Oh the places you will go..

Well after an unsuccessful first date with the last guy, and a few I talked to whom I wasn’t interested in meeting, I decided to do what I considered to be the unthinkable… I downloaded tinder. Now don’t boo me off the stage here. As I’m sure you’ve read in some of my previous posts I was and still am looking for a long term committed relationship, and tinder has a reputation of being a hookup site. But, at this point I was willing to try just about anything to change my luck around… and so I downloaded the app and started swiping. I quickly found out what all the hype was about and quickly became addicted to the swipe.

I made some matches, and had a few conversations but nothing really clicked until I started talking to this one guy who was local. We exchanged numbers and started texting.  I actually had heard this guys name a few times years ago, but didn’t know anything about him. We seemed to get along pretty good via text and even talked on the phone once or twice. We eventually made plans to meet up, and I was actually looking forward to it. My only concern was that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and was only looking for a casual hookup.

We made plans to meet one morning that I happened to have off of work, and take a walk on the beach.  This was a nice change of pace in my opinion, but I was a little concerned because his profile said he was a personal trainer, and he had time to meet me in the morning during the week. Now this was only a concern because of Delta who told me he was a personal trainer. So I told myself that maybe he didn’t have any clients until later in the day or had off from work that day.   So off I went to meet my date at the beach for a morning walk.  I got to the beach, and when he saw me he gave me a big hug which took me a little off guard but, I was ok with it.  And so we walked and talked, and he held my hand. Again a little unexpected but nice, not awful.  So as we were walking he stopped, pulled me to him and kissed me. And boy did he kiss me… it was, in a word… amazing!  After that first kiss, it happened often during our walk. There’s not a lot of people out on the beach in the mornings during the week in November here, so we took the opportunity to get a little hot and heavy during some of these kissing stops.  Somewhere way in the back of my mind I was trying to be concerned about how this first date was going considering my previous concerns about him only wanting a hookup, but the amazing sexual chemistry we seemed to have made that pretty difficult.  After walking a while, and making out a while, we got back to our starting point and he asked me what I wanted to do. I wanted to make this a little more date like, but after a morning walk on the beach and a hot and heavy makeout session I really didn’t know what to say or do… so I suggested we go to the local state park and walk on some of the hiking trails there.  I also at this time found out that he had stayed the night at a buddy’s house there on the beach and rode his bike to the beach. So, a little red flag popped up, but I said that wasn’t a problem and drove us to the park. We got to the park, and we found a spot to park and walk.  We started walking and not too terribly far into our walk started making out again.  I had some time at this point to cool off, so I tried to make this makeout session a little shorter and continued with the walk. I’m not sure exactly what he was thinking in these next few moments, that’s not true… I quickly figured out what he was thinking…. but I was walking in front of him, and somehow I don’t remember how exactly, he got my attention and I turned around and saw that he had unzipped his shorts, and taken his penis out.

Now I know this is probably a really terrible thing to do to all of my readers, but I do think I will continue the rest of this amazing story in the next post. I mean isn’t anticipation a wonderful, wonderful thing?? 😉

So,

Until next time…..

C 💋

Trying something new

After Delta, I got back on the dating sites and started over. I decided that maybe I needed to loosen my criteria just a tad. So I started to chat with a few guys that I wouldn’t normally talk to. In doing so, I found a guy that I decided to give a chance and so it began. We exchanged numbers and set up a time to meet in person.  I’ve since learned that if you’re hoping the person turns out to be a whole lot better looking in person, then you’re probably setting yourself up for disappointment.  There really isn’t a whole lot of excitement to this story, other than I definitely wasn’t attracted to him, and I felt very uncomfortable during our entire date, because he continued to scoot closer and closer to me as our time progressed. I knew pretty much right off the bat that this wasn’t going to go anywhere, but I tried to enjoy our date and at least try to get to know him. I really didn’t learn too much about him, other than he was able to make me feel extremely uncomfortable rather quickly. Needless to say, after our date, I did not continue to talk to him other than to tell him I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything. 

The craziest thing about this guy was that he not only didn’t seem to catch on during the date that I wasn’t interested and that I was very uncomfortable, but just recently I saw him on one of the sites, and he messaged me again. I didn’t open his message, and I won’t be opening it or replying to it… 
Until next time,

C 💋

Now boarding Delta flight 000

To pick up where I left off in my last post, “Delta” and I started dating pretty regularly. And as I got to know him a little better, I learned a few more things…. 

The first thing I unfortunately learned was that he lived with his mom and step dad. Now he originally told me he was staying with them, because his father had recently passed away and he had come down here to get his fathers affairs in order. That made sense to me.  I was told that his father had debts that had to be paid off, and while paying those, he couldn’t afford to stay on his own down here. Again this made sense to me. 

The next time we were going to get together I was thinking we would go on an actual date.  But I was mistaken. He couldn’t meet me again, and I found out a little more about his car situation at that point. He told me that he takes thyroid medicine and that with his cars air conditioning not working it just was too much for him to travel very far at all, because the heat wears him out. I am pretty understanding and so I accepted this and made the decision to go to his house (his actual house this time).   I also should note that he again made me dinner when I got there, and we settled in to watch television… again.  We also had sex, which I might add wasn’t bad. Not bad at all. 

So the next thing I learned about delta is that the reason he has thyroid problems is that he used to be addicted to opiates, and is currently taking suboxone as a replacement therapy.  This new revelation was quite a shock to me, as I have never had any experience in dealing with drug addictions. Now I feel here soon some of you will probably be thinking that I am an idiot for sticking around as long as I did during all of this…. but I did. So yes when I found this out, I accepted it and just accepted that it was part of who he was and part of his past. 

Our relationship progressed as you would think.. well… that’s not entirely true.  Because I pretty much made trips to his house once or twice a weekend. We never did anything more than take a walk on the beach, go grab takeout, and watch television and/or movies in his room.  And have sex. I felt kind of like a teenager.. actually I felt a lot like a teenager. 

The next thing I found out about delta is that he never seemed to have any work or clients. Remember he was a personal trainer… so when I asked about why he didn’t have any clients I found out that they were out of town or on “vacation”. At this point I started to doubt his actual employment… shortly after that I found out that he lost some “clients” and so I suggested he look for some more. He told me he was out of business cards and needed to order more… so all of this leads me to say that I ended up paying every time we went to get takeout for dinner.  

Shortly after all of the revelations about his employment he told me the real truth which was that he isn’t working because he’s on disability. He was on disability because he’s bipolar.  So even this didn’t bother me because I felt like this is a mental illness and not something that he has any control over.  So I continued to drive to his house every weekend. I started spending the night there on occasion as well.  

But that’s not all folks… 

The next big revelation came as quite a shock.  I found out that his ex-girlfriend in his words was crazy.  I also learned that she was contacting him repeatedly for money she said he owed her for items he had thrown away or lost. The fact that she kept contacting him about this stressed him out and caused him to go into a manic state.  Because this situation caused such turmoil to him, I tried repeatedly to calm him down and give him suggestions as to how to deal with it. But that didn’t help at all. So the end result was I ended up getting a money order and sending her money for the items he supposedly lost or threw away. 

I wish I could say that was the worst of this part of the story. But it isn’t… I found out during all of this that he was still in love with his ex.  Yeah I know… I know… 

So I put up with the constant (and I do mean constant) talk about the ex, paid off the ex, and then found out he was still in love with her… and not only still in love with her, but the “friend” that he pet/house sat for was her. And when she came back from her trip they had sex. 

Now this pissed me off. I know at that time  we had only had two dates, but it was the fact that he lied. He lied about pretty much everything, but the biggest thing he lied about was her.  So we had our first fight. This was the beginning of the decline… yes I continued to date him (and we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend at this point as well).  The end happened when after repeatedly asking him to find another doctor because his medication wasn’t working for him, he told me that he had no desire to find another doctor. He had no desire to try and get any help. He told me that. He said he didn’t want any help. And this I couldn’t deal with. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he literally lied about everything he originally told me, was still in love with his ex-girlfriend whom I paid his debt to, and that I knew if I stayed in this relationship I would end up taking care of a grown man.  I could handle the mental illness, and I could handle the drug addiction, but I couldn’t handle the fact that he didn’t want to try and get any help. He would rather just let me take care of him all day everyday.  

So I ended it. We were together a total of 3 months. Not very long at all… 

Until next time!
C💋

On the next flight out…

Well I know I’ve not been very good about keeping up with my blog and some of you may have gotten lost in the timeline of my dating life, but I’m going to jump back into the timeline and pick up where I left off after my post “when fools gold comes rushing in”.  Keep in mind that I’m going in order of my dates with a few random posts in between here and there.  This story may end up in two posts, because this story pans out over the course of a few months. 

The next person to come along in my life my co-worker nicknamed “Delta” it should also be stated at this time that my co-worker nicknamed a lot of the guys I went on dates with. Delta was after who I referred to in my post as “A” (when fools gold comes rushing in) but she called “A” “Tomahawk” now there’s a whole story behind the nickname tomahawk that has nothing to do with him as a person, but a conversation we had after I started talking to him. Anyway… onto “Delta”…. I met “Delta” on plenty of fish. He was extremely attractive in my opinion, artsy (which I like), a personal trainer, and very well built. He also played multiple instruments and sang.. anyway… we started talking, and finally made a date to meet on July 4th.  Now as excited as I was to meet this gentleman who I felt I had a true connection with, I found it very very odd that he told me he was house/petsitting for a friend and couldn’t meet me. So he asked if I would come there and have dinner with him at his friends house where he was staying. Now, let me just say that I know internet dating protocol and I should’ve never agreed to this scenario, but I truly felt he was sincere and decided to go. It should also be noted that I found it odd he couldn’t leave his friends house to meet me… but I later found out that was more because his cars air conditioning wasn’t working and the trip to meet me would’ve been extremely hot and sweaty… ok… so yes it was a lame excuse, but still, I met him at his friends house where he was cooking me dinner.  

I wore a super cute outfit, and headed out for my date. It should be said that nobody had ever made dinner for me at this point, so I felt like I was being treated like a queen. I pulled up to this house to meet this guy I had never met in person before, extremely nervous, and kinda doubting my decision to meet a total stranger by myself at their home (or the home of their friend…) 

He answered the door, and I could tell he was nearly as nervous as me. He looked just like his pictures so that was a plus, and he didn’t look like a serial killer. I went inside and we made small talk for a bit. It didn’t take long and I relaxed. He made a simple dinner of chicken and veggies, which was very good. We talked and listened to music and just hung out. No pressure and no weirdness amazingly. After a while, we started watching some television and the dog and cat both came over to meet me and check me out.

He put his arm around me after a while, but again nothing weird. It was a very nice evening. When it came time to leave, he walked me out and we kissed. It was nice, and not weird or awkward.  The second date was planned and happened about a week later.  He was still house/petsitting so I went back there again… the second date went pretty much like the first except with a few minor details that were different. One being that we made out and things got very hot and heavy while watching television.  That was a big difference that I enjoyed greatly actually…  the other was my roommate at the time kept blowing up my phone with text messages that I didn’t hear because my phone was on silent, that made for a very awkward end to what had turned into a good evening.  So as I wrapped up my  evening and said goodnight to my date, I awkwardly explained to him that my roommate was a little weird about my dating and didn’t understand me going to someone’s house who I barely knew.  He seemed to understand and didn’t hold anything against me. 

After the second date things progressed normally from what I could tell. He made it back to his home and left his friends house that he was house/petsitting for a few days after our second date.  

And since this is a rather long story, I believe I will stop here and continue this story in another post…. so stay tuned folks, because we are just getting started and this story gets wayyyyyy more interesting in the next post! 

Until next time,
C 💋

Sorry for the slack!

Hi everyone. I’m so sorry for the lack of posts. Let’s just say as I mentioned I’m ADHD, so I got bored. With posting, with my dating life (and annoyed), and also life happened. I bought a house!! Yes it took me a while to make the decision, and to settle in, but I did it!

Anyway, back to my dating fiascos….

I’m sure you’re wondering what happened with the guy I went on a second date with…. Well I went on the second date.  It was incredibly hot that day, we tried one food truck, he bought me one steak kabob from this food truck, and one margarita from a drink booth.  He was sweating profusely, and so we decided to find a restaurant in the area, and sit by the water and talk.  He ordered himself an appetizer, and a drink, and I had a water.  We sat and talked somewhat uncomfortably for way longer than I felt we should have.

When we finally decided to leave, the goodbye was just as awkward.  He didn’t make any attempt to kiss me, and I was ok with that.  Fast forward to being asked on a 3rd date…. I should also mention at this point that my friends nicknamed him kabob since after hours the only food I was offered was one single kabob.  For the 3rd date kabob suggested that he show me where he lives, works, and then we would go to dinner at a nice local restaurant.  I was a little hesitant to go through with this, because I still really was not very into kabob.  But I went…. Again, I will fast forward at this point… The date went well, I enjoyed myself, and had a full meal…. but I was still not feeling any chemistry.  And I think he could tell.  The goodbye was awkward again, and this led to within a day or two him asking me the question how do I go about getting to kiss you?  And it was at this point that I knew this was not the guy for me.  Because after 3 dates you still cannot figure out how to try and kiss me, and need to ask me how to do so, this really isn’t going to work out….. So the end result was that after that awkward texting conversation, our texts got more and more brief until one day he just disappeared, and I was ok with that.

Until next time!

 

C 💋

2nd date here I come.

Yes I agreed to a second date. Chemistry… Eh not so much. Great guy, yes.  Get along great yes. Would treat me great… Yes. So I agreed to date #2. We’ve talked everyday, and he asked me last Sunday for a date this weekend. He wanted to do something fun and during the day. Not your typical dinner date like the first one. So last night I was given 3 options to choose from. All were excellent ideas and choices, and all were very unique. That alone got him huge brownie points in my book! So Saturday we will go to a local area that is having a “food truck wars” and we will get to sample from 40 different food trucks. They will have a beer garden and wine tasting as well as live music. Then he said we could go for a boat ride on the river which will be nice as well. I’m quite looking forward to the day! 

Everything seems to be going smoothly so far except for the fact that he just asked me this evening about my marriage and why I had so many years between relationships. He seems very taken aback by my answer which I can’t quite blame him for. 

Hopefully he can accept it and me and what I’ve experienced so far in life. If not then I suppose I will not be having a fun day sampling different foods from different food trucks down by the river. 
Until next time 

C💋

I gave in…

6 days ago I wrote a post and shared some very personal stuff about my past, and how I felt it has brought me to where I am today. That same day, I decided to take a leap of faith, and unhide my plenty of fish profile.  I viewed some profiles, and even went as far as to message two guys I found interesting. This is way out of my comfort zone, since I never message first. Except when I was on bumble and had to… Anyway… Both messaged me back! I was so excited! I took a chance and it turned out positively! Not only that, but with both guys I started having very “normal” good conversations. I was very excited and very happy! I enjoyed conversation with both guys until Tuesday when one stopped messaging back. But at the same time he stopped messaging, the other asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. We’ve been texting ever since, and have so much in common, and enjoy so many of the same things! He asked me on Wednesday I believe if I would like to go out this weekend on a date and I said yes! We are going to Carrabbas for dinner tonight, and I’m very excited! 

I can’t remember if I’ve ever been this excited about going on a first date before, but this guy seems so normal (even though I’ve thought that before) and we like so many of the same things, have great conversation, etc. that I can’t help but be excited! So wish me luck, and I’ll definitely let you know how it turns out! 

Here’s hoping to normal, fun, and chemistry! 😊
Until next time 💋

C

Now what…?

Have you ever had a nearly earth shattering revelation about yourself or situation? I have. Lots of times actually. And usually after a few days or weeks of pondering about it and making decisions based on the revelation I move forward with renewed hope and plans. I had another one of those near earth shattering revelations this past week. I have yet to figure out what my next steps are, but I figured I would come here and get some of my thoughts out about the situation first. 

So a few weeks ago a co-worker posted a quote on Pinterest that I could absolutely relate to and I posted it on Facebook. Then last week that same co-worker and I had a conversation about coming out of a relationship with a narcissist. Let me show you the quote so you can understand where we are in this story. 

Now since this blog isn’t about her life I will quickly share what the conversation was and how it relates to me and my revelation. 

We were discussing how her new boyfriend (whom she met on plenty of fish) told her she wasn’t used to being treated right because every time he did or said something sweet she questions his motives. This led to a discussion of how once you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath you constantly doubt the good guys and their intentions. As well as push them away eventually because ultimately you don’t trust anyone. 

My revelation was this. I have done that. I have pushed guys away who have been too nice for multiple reasons (excuses) and I have doubted many times when someone has tried to treat me right. Also,  I have for years now been terrified to date because of not wanting to end up in the same situation again. 

So my story? In a nutshell, and as simply as I can without having to create a whole new post…. I was married to a man from 96-2000 who cheated on me repeatedly, raped me repeatedly, stayed out all night long and wouldn’t come home until late the next morning (repeatedly), threatened my life, couldn’t keep a job, was an alcoholic, lied constantly, and last but not least the straw that broke the camels back…. Was arrested for attempting to kidnap an 8 year old little girl from a bar who was not his child. Now a few things to mention here… Yes I know and have found out that he was a pedofile amongst many other things. Also, yes it’s possible to rape a spouse just in case some idiot tried to say that’s not possible…. And this is only a small glimpse of that 4 years and my marriage. There was a lot more that took place but these were the “bigger” things I felt worth mentioning. 

All this leads me back to my revelation. I’ve long been healed from the trauma and shame and self loathing I had for myself. I can tell my story and I don’t cry or get angry, and I’m thankful for the person that I’ve become because of what I’ve been through. However…. One thing I didn’t realize or recognize is the fear I’ve had of dating and finding what I’ve always wanted.  Finding true love. Finding a man who will treat me the way I’ve always dreamed and who will love me the way I’ve always dreamed. I also have in the last day or so questioned whether or not this could be the reason it’s so easy for me to give up on online dating. Yes I’ve had some horrible luck with the men I’ve gone out with but I’ve also in the last 6 months not tried very hard at all…. 

So I’m still trying to figure it all out and figure out what is next for me since I’ve had this revelation. But I feel I’m getting there and that with some luck I will be back on track (whatever track that may be) before long. 
Until next time,
C 💋

Only the lonely

Well now it’s been 10 days. 10 days since I deleted my last online dating app. I have been through some various phases of feeling and emotion. Apathy, anger, sadness, determination, contentment, and loneliness. These are in order of how I’ve felt the last 10 days by the way.  I had my moment of clarity last week when I decided that I had gotten my focus out of whack and that I needed to re-prioritize myself. So I decided to set my focus back on building my small side business, and exercising. Now I still feel that way, but tonight as I lay here on a Sunday night not tired and knowing I have to be up early for work, I’m lonely. Very very lonely. And I have been, for a long while now. That’s the honest sad truth. It’s hard to admit that I wonder if I will ever have that someone to spend my evenings with, curled up on the couch watching movies. Or someone to vent to or someone who will listen to me as I cry, or yell, or laugh. I miss something I’ve never had. I miss someone I’ve only dreamt about, and I miss what could or should have been. And I wonder. I wonder if I’m wishing for a dream that will never happen. Everyone says, oh it’ll happen when you least expect it!! Well guess what?! I haven’t expected it…. In a very very long time.  So cheers…. Cheers to the lonely ones, the ones still waiting, the ones still hoping and waiting and dreaming. Here’s to you…. Here’s to us. 
Until next time….

C 🍷

4 days

That’s it 4 days. It only took 4 days of my online dating strike for me to start doubting myself. 4 days of no swiping or liking or browsing. Until this afternoon when in a moment of weakness I went on to plenty of fish and browsed hidden. I have yet to take the plunge and un-hide my pof profile, but nonetheless I still browsed.  I cannot seem to decide if I want to dive back in to the world of online dating. Obviously I’m not too eager to do so, because my browsing was a good 2-1/2 hours ago and I have yet to un-hide the profile…. But yet I question. 

I also am wondering if I am caught in the whole “don’t settle” stage. I mean don’t we all at some point tell ourselves that? Don’t settle!! I mean what is settling anyway?? Is it even possible to find someone who has every quality your looking for in a mate? I really don’t think it is. Now don’t go hating on me yet… Hear me out… Here are some of my top “requirements” 

1. Must have a job (believe me when I say this has been an issue before)

2. I must find you attractive (don’t judge me!) 

3. Must be able to handle my cat and dog (again this has been an issue – stay tuned for that fun story down the road…)

4. Must have a high sex drive. (That’s pretty self explanatory)

5. Mustn’t be a punk or wuss. (Again pretty self explanatory)

6. Must have ambition and goals. (Lazy slugs need not apply…)

7. Must have some kind of desire to be healthy (workout preferably, and eat healthy for the most part)

8. Must be a nice, decent, human being. 

And that about covers it. 

Oh 1 more….

9. Must have some type of personality….

So in all of this, I wonder…. Am I too picky?? Do I need to “lighten up” do I need to “settle” for less? I mean there are definitely a few of those that I will not budge on. #1 for sure! Now of course there’s other qualities that I like or dislike that are not in the list of top requirements. I think we all have a few things we like or dislike or prefer or don’t prefer…. So am I totally out there? Am I being too picky?  Now don’t get me wrong I’ve been on a few first dates that went nowhere and I’ve not found out if they had these must have qualities or not. But all this is in relation to whether or not I should give it another go. Whether I should “keep trying”. It just makes me question myself and if I’m making the right choices…

So until next time….. 

C